What do I do when I don’t want sex with my husband?

You said if women don’t want sex, they should open up emotionally to their husbands. I have a very healthy open, relationship with my husband. I would like to have sex but I am just not interested.

Many women would like to think their lack of sexual interest is hormonal. Then they can relax and blame their hormones.

Of course, it is hormonal. And it is worthwhile being checked by your doctor. A prescription might help.

Just the same, it is your body that makes the hormones from instructions in the brain. If you are not making the hormones, there is a part of you inhibiting them for some reason.

Sex Therapy Is A Thing

My view is that our physical condition is a reflection of our mental and emotional states. Unfortunately, much of what drives us is unconscious. So we often don’t know why we are doing what we are doing—or, in your case, what you are not doing.

Sex is about connection and creation. Think of creation broadly, not just making babies. Sex is a creative energy. At its highest manifestation, it creates, in the individual, a feeling of oneness with everything.

The opposite of creation and connection is withdrawal and protection.

The different physiology of men and women sets them on diverse paths when approaching sex.

The male is in an assertive; giving stance while a woman needs to be open and accepting. In fact, nature casts her into a submissive position. This is the yang and the yin that makes a whole.

There are only two fundamental ways of being in the universe: either letting go or taking in. For example, the breath that gives us life is either being taken in or released. The two together make the whole and that whole is our physical life. This dichotomy of letting in and letting go is reflected in all our actions.

In sex the male is the releaser and the female is the acceptor.

What does this have to do with your problem with sex?

As a woman, to have sex you need to open and accept. But society has given women mixed messages about their roles. The Women’s Liberation movement abhorred any idea of female submission—and rightly so at the time of its inception.

Now however, women’s rights have been recognised and mandated. Women need to claim their right to be open and accepting while asserting their right to be respected.

Remember the yang is not more worthy than the yin. Both are required to make the whole. With sex, the whole is the creation of a united being for a few magical moments.

You need to learn to be more accepting and less controlling.

Often women take a giving role in life.  Helping and giving feels safer because it places the giver in a position of control. Being open, and accepting from others is more challenging for this type of woman. It can imply weakness and vulnerability.

Open up your heart and be aware when your thoughts are negative or judging. Gently let go of negativity and judging and get in touch with the wonder and beauty in the world.

Your creative sexual energy is more likely to return when you are generally more open and accepting.

Our team of psychologists can help talk through any issues you may be having with sex, sexuality, sexual attraction or gender.  Learn more about our services here.