She might be after your husband but you've forgotten that your husband has some say too. Can you not trust him?

She might be after your husband but you’ve forgotten that your husband has some say too. Can you not trust him?

My husband is engaging and sociable and attracts other women. This has always bothered me, but it threatens to become an issue now because one woman seems determined to snare him. I trust him, but how can I make him see that this woman has more than friendship on her mind? Every time I raise it he accuses me of being paranoid.

You seem to have your talons out for this other woman. Who cares if she has more than friendship on her mind? A tustworthy husband is not going be seduced by any fancy female traps.

The truth is you don’t really trust him at all. You think he will be tempted and trapped by this sort of woman. You see her as wanton and unscrupulous. Because he puts you down with accusations of paranoia, you think he is gullible and oblivious to her wiles.

Your concerns are driven by fear. Fear that she is more attractive than you. No one fears insignificant, powerless people. You think she has more to offer him than you do. At some deep level, you feel that you do not deserve this attractive and sociable man. You have always felt this. His personality and looks have always bothered you. You have never felt secure, you have always been waiting for someone to come and take him away.

You are not paranoid. There is a good chance that someone will take him away not because of his weakness and her determination but because of your fear and lack of confidence.

Every time you raise this issue with him, you think you are warning him of her intentions. All he hears is the underlying message. “I am not good enough for you and I am afraid this woman has the power to take you away.” Every time you mention it, you are letting him know how little faith you have in your ability to keep him.

Naturally it is the last message he wants to hear so he fobs it off. He doesn’t want to know he is with someone who thinks of herself as inferior. Stop raising this issue with him right now or you will drive him away. Focussing your attention on this other woman will not solve your problem. You need to place your attention on yourself.

Why are you so insecure? Examine the subtle messages you were given as a child. Perhaps you felt inadequate and unappreciated. Any negative attitudes and beliefs about yourself that you are carrying need to be changed.

Increase your self-regard and self-respect. Then you will join the self-assured people who cannot lose in relationships. Such people do not want to be with any one who does not want to be with them’that’s being in a ‘no lose’ position.

Confident people do not fear that their partners will be taken away. They believe they have what it takes to keep their partners happy. And most of the time they are right. If they become entangled with someone who proves to be untrustworthy and unsuitable, they leave with their dignity and confidence intact.

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