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Can I trust him when he lied at the start of our relationship?

Finding out he lied feels like betrayal. You are wondering if you can trust him. It will help when you understand why he lied.
Finding out he lied feels like betrayal. You are wondering if you can trust him. It will help when you understand why he lied.

I have really fallen for a man I have been going out with for six months. He just confessed that he lied to me in the beginning of our relationship. He had said he was completely unattached but the truth was he seeing another woman for the first two months we were going out. I can’t understand why he lied and I don’t know whether I should continue with the relationship. What do you think?

What you really want is to find a way of staying with this man. His confession has blown your trust. You have been hurt and you feel betrayed. As much as you love him, you know you have to be able to trust to continue. Understanding why he was dishonest will help you regain a feeling of control.

Everyone lies. We shouldn’t, because it always leads to no good. But we lie because we haven’t the courage to tell the truth. He lied because he knew you would’ve run a mile knowing he was seeing someone else. And he didn’t want to lose you.

Why didn’t he stop seeing the other woman and avoid all this pain?

The reason is simple. He was scared. You scared him. He has been badly hurt somewhere in the past. He has little trust in women. When he met you, he felt strongly attracted to you. He was afraid he could easily fall in love and risk being hurt. So he hedged his bets. He kept the other woman as a fall back. If you rejected him, he could kid himself that you didn’t matter.

Of course, he never consciously understood all of this, probably still doesn’t. But this is most likely what was going on just beneath his awareness.

It would have been a lot easier if he’d understood why he had this compulsion to see someone else while he really cared for you. But most people are not aware of the deeper reasons for their actions.

Self-awareness is tremendously worthwhile. It prevents all this desperate manouvering. When you are aware of your feelings and their source, you can summon your courage and be honest with the person you are with.

Why has he confessed now?

These six months have gone well; he he has built trust in you. He is ready to move closer so he needs to know whether you can love and accept him as he really is. Confessing achieves two things. It gets the lie off his chest and it tests the depth of your feelings.

Loving always means forgiving. None of us are perfect. Learning to forgive is one of the best skills you can develop. Once you understand the reasons people behave the way they do, it’s easier to forgive. Forgiving means you never bring this incident up again, no matter how angry you get in the future.

Forgive him and let it go. Then strive to be totally honest with each other. You will find this adversity, once overcome, has been an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer.

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