Guest Blog and video (below) by Samantha Weir – a counsellor and relationship therapist in our team who integrates many of the Gottman Method elements into her practice.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, identified four negative communication patterns that can predict the downfall of a relationship—known as the Four Horsemen. These destructive behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can harm relationships over time. Recognizing these behaviors and replacing them with their antidotes (gentle start-up, appreciation, taking responsibility, and physiological self-soothing)can lead to healthier, more constructive communication.
1. Criticism vs. Gentle Start-Up
Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character, making them feel worthless. Instead, a gentle start-up focuses on expressing feelings without blame. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when you’re on your phone during our conversations.” This softens the message and invites collaboration.
2. Contempt vs. Appreciation
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It involves disrespect and mockery, which creates a toxic atmosphere. The antidote is appreciation. Regularly acknowledging your partner’s positive qualities and contributions can counteract contempt. Expressing gratitude for the small things—like, “I really appreciate you making dinner tonight”—fosters a culture of respect and admiration.
3. Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility
When feeling attacked, defensiveness is a natural response. However, it often escalates conflict. The antidote is taking responsibility. Instead of deflecting blame, try acknowledging your part in the situation, even if it’s minor. A simple, “I can see how that upset you, and I’m sorry for my part in it,” can pave the way for resolution.
4. Stonewalling vs. Physiological Self-Soothing
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws emotionally or physically. The antidote is physiological self-soothing. This involves taking a break from the conversation to calm down, whether by deep breathing, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness. Once both partners are calm, the conversation can resume productively.
By replacing these “Four Horsemen” with their antidotes, couples can foster stronger, more resilient relationships, ensuring conflicts lead to growth rather than division.
Watch the video below of Samantha chatting with Keri in our team about the Four Horsemen. To book in with Samantha, call (07) 3726 5595.