Guest blog by Benjamin Crooks – Specialist Counsellor
Most people want similar things from life: to feel happy, fulfilled, confident, connected, valued, and proud of who they are. These are universal human needs.
It’s also normal not to feel these things all the time. Stress, sadness, anxiety, frustration and self-doubt are part of being human. They say little about your worth or capability. But understanding how your brain works can help you make sense of these experiences and respond to them more effectively.
Your Brain Runs on Autopilot More Than You Think
Your brain operates on both conscious and subconscious levels.
When you first learned to walk, every step required concentration. Eventually your brain created shortcuts, making walking automatic. The same thing happens with thoughts, emotions, habits and relationship patterns.
Your brain constantly searches for familiar situations and predicts how to respond based on past experience. Sometimes these automatic responses are helpful. Sometimes they’re outdated.
The challenge is that when we’re unaware of these automatic reactions—especially during conflict or stress—we lose the opportunity to choose whether they’re actually serving us.
Self-awareness allows us to keep what works and change what doesn’t.
Why We Sometimes Cope in Unhelpful Ways
Your brain’s primary job is to keep you safe and comfortable.
When you’re stressed, overwhelmed or anxious, your brain wants those feelings to stop. The problem is that it often prioritises immediate relief over long-term solutions.
This is where unhelpful coping strategies can develop.
People may turn to alcohol, endless scrolling, avoidance or emotional withdrawal to reduce distress. While these strategies may provide temporary relief, they rarely solve the underlying problem. In fact, repeated avoidance often makes challenges feel even bigger over time.
The same can happen with anger. Yelling, criticising or lashing out may provide a brief emotional release, but they usually create more hurt and distance rather than resolving conflict.
The good news is that emotions and behaviours are not the same thing.
You may not always control what you feel, but you can learn to choose how you respond.
Your Brain Can Change
Thanks to neuroplasticity, your brain can create new pathways throughout life.
Thoughts influence feelings, feelings influence behaviours, and behaviours reinforce beliefs. Over time these become habits; but habits can change.
Counselling often helps people recognise these patterns and intentionally build healthier alternatives.
Many people struggle when important needs go unmet, including feeling capable, connected, valued, purposeful or in control of their lives. When these needs are neglected, emotional distress increases and people often seek short-term relief instead of lasting fulfilment.
Focus on What You Can Control
A simple but powerful concept is the Locus of Control.
You can control:
- Your choices
- Your behaviours
- Your effort
- Your goals
- How you respond
You cannot control:
- Other people’s thoughts
- Other people’s behaviour
- The past
- The future
Many people become emotionally exhausted trying to control things they never could. Focusing on what is within your control is often one of the fastest paths back to feeling empowered.
Practical Strategies to Regulate Your Emotions
When emotions are running high, the goal isn’t to eliminate them. It’s to create enough space to respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically.
Grounding Through Breathing
Slow your breathing, inhale through your nose and extend the exhale through your mouth for several breaths. This signals safety to your nervous system and reduces emotional intensity.
The Five Senses Exercise
Notice:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can feel
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
The more specific your attention, the more your mind returns to the present moment.
Self-Care That Restores You
Exercise, walking, music, gardening, reading, nature, hobbies or spending time with supportive people are all forms of grounding that help regulate emotions and restore perspective.
Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts
Ask yourself:
- Is this thought completely true?
- What evidence supports it?
- What evidence challenges it?
- What would I tell a friend in this situation?
Our first thought during emotional moments often feels convincing, but it isn’t always the most balanced or accurate.
Small Changes Create Meaningful Results
The goal isn’t perfection. No one feels calm, confident and fulfilled every day.
The goal is awareness. Once you identify what works, practise it consistently until healthier responses become your brain’s new default.
When you understand how your brain works, you become better equipped to recognise patterns, regulate emotions, make intentional choices and strengthen your relationships.
You can’t control everything that happens to you—but you can learn to take greater control of how you respond, and that can make a profound difference.
To book in to see Benjamin, call our office on (07) 3726 5595 today. Ben sees teenagers, adults and couples.