An old friend and I recently fell into bed together for a spot of steamy friendship sex. Now I have heard on the grapevine that she is making disparaging remarks about the size of my tackle and saying that I wasn’t much chop in bed. I’d expect that sort of behaviour from my mates, but not from a woman. What sort of person would do a thing like this?
Someone who is terrified of intimacy. Someone not terribly different from you, or your mates.
Admit it. You and your buddies like to sit around with a few beers, and brag about the women you’ve slept with. You’ll criticise their bodies and performance without a second thought. Of course, it is all just good fun. You don’t mean any harm. And it would never get back to the women in question, would it?
Some women are just like you and your mates. They talk about sex and the men they’ve had sex with. They can be lascivious and offensive. And they feel quite justified in objectifying men because they know men do it to them.
Anyone, male or female, who participates in this sort of behaviour is fearful. They are traumatised whenever they get close to anyone. Somewhere in their past, they have been badly hurt. Most probably, a past lover rejected them. They are terrified of being hurt again.
Sex is more than just a physical act. It’s easy to feel emotionally close to a sexual partner, especially one whom you consider being a friend. All this intimacy opens us up. We feel vulnerable and, if we’ve been hurt in the past, dangerously so.
What do some people do when faced with this fear and vulnerability?
They shatter the intimacy by betraying their sexual partner. They spill all the details to their friends. They exaggerate his or her inadequacies. Reducing their lover to a joke, or an item of gossip, allows them to feel safe once more.
I suspect karma has caught you fair and square with this alleged friend. But instead of wallowing in indignation, take a good look at yourself. You have a long way to go before you become the kind of lover you imagine yourself to be. Do you have the courage to change?
First, you need to address your fear of intimacy. Acknowledge the hurt you experienced in the past. Remember the painful feelings and release them. Examine that past relationship where you were badly hurt. What did you learn? What would you do differently next time?
Remind yourself that you deserve love. Being rejected in the past doesn’t mean it will happen again.
Second, critically evaluate yourself as a lover. You need to pay particular attention to what women say they like. Read books on sex and intimacy. There are videos specifically made for couples to help them understand each other. Watch them.
Once you have addressed these issues, you’ll feel confident and self-satisfied. So good, in fact, that you might decide to share your self-improvement adventure with your terrified friend.
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