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How do I stop destroying my relationship?

You will struggle to have a satisfying relationship while you are carrying destructive insecurities.
You will struggle to have a satisfying relationship while you are carrying destructive insecurities.

I am 27 with very destructive insecurities, holding onto problems in my past and not letting go. Feeling anxious and unsettled, I think about ending what should be a good relationship with a 27 year-old guy because it is all too much. Can you give me some guidance?

You are fearful. You are suffering. You want a good relationship but you are terrified much of the time. So terrified, in fact, you think you might be better off with no relationship at all. And yet, if you were to end it, you would be seeking love from someone else almost immediately.

You are sensible enough to realise that all of this angst is your problem, not his. You know that any guy, not just your current boyfriend, will trigger these insecurities in you. You realise that you are the one hanging on to past problems that create your anxiety. This is hopeful. All you have to do now is commit to change, no matter what it takes.

Some people get to your level of insight and then pull back. As you said, “It is all too much!” Taking responsibility for where we are in life – the pain, the self-doubts, the deep feelings of guilt and unworthiness – can be daunting. We pull back because we think we might discover that these feelings are true. We are afraid that we really are worthless and undeserving.

This is never the case. As we come to terms with our past, we are freed.

Coming to terms with the past is a process of forgiveness. But it is not cheap forgiveness. It takes lots of work. We rarely use the word “forgiveness” anymore. It is so misunderstood. Forgiveness is not even necessary when you fully understand the nature of destructive actions you have taken against others and the nature of destructive actions taken against you. When you completely understand, you fully accept what has happened and you know it was inevitable. You transcend any need for forgiveness.

This all sounds great in theory and I can promise you it works. But it is not easy. You have to do a lot of work to get there. You have to accept the darkest side of humanity. You need to realise that we all have the potential for dark deeds within us. You need to understand yourself deeply and be willing to understand those who have hurt you.

Understanding does not excuse bad behaviour. It just makes sense of it.

What all of us hate more than anything else, is being unloved and unaccepted. When we suffer trauma at the hands of others, we automatically fear we deserved it. Such action always says much more about the perpetrator than the victim. Most cruel people are not capable of love, not in their current state of being.

You have not described the nature of your insecurities or the damage you have suffered. But it seems you are still very hurt and angry. These feelings will always get in the way of forming a strong and lasting relationship. You hate feeling vulnerable, but vulnerability is always necessary when you want to genuinely connect with another.

You need counselling and therapy to work through these feelings. You are stuck and you know it. Your awareness is the first step in finding your way to freedom and self-confidence.

Face your fears. Set out to research and understand the nature of what happened to you. Knowledge is power. When you fully understand, you will find being in a relationship much more satisfying and rewarding.

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