How do I stop attracting irresponsible men?

irresponsible men
There is a reason you are attracted to irresponsible men. Strange as it seems, you feel more comfortable, even safer, with them.

I have just broken up with man who expected me to support him. It doesn’t seem to matter if they are professionals or tradesmen, older or younger, the men I am with all end up being weak and irresponsible. I take my career and responsibilities seriously, why can’t I find a guy like me?

Finding a guy like you won’t help. You are not attracted to guys like you.

People like you have some excellent qualities. They are generous and helpful, focused and reliable. They are also driven, demanding, directive and likely to insist that things are done their way. That is why they are so successful. They are make-it-happen people.

At first glance, you might think someone like this would make a great partner. But can you imagine two people like this being together? It would be one long, continual battle.

You need someone who complements you, a guy who has opposing qualities. In fact, that is the sort of guy who attracts you.

When you first get involved with an attractive guy, you think he is like you. He is attentive, generous and achievement-oriented. Being attracted to you, he makes an effort to win you. This doesn’t mean he has all the characteristics you see in him. In fact, he is a laid-back soul who goes with the flow. At the beginning of your relationship, he is in tune with you. He agrees with your views and suggestions. Your opinions and ideas make sense to him and he wants to believe he is like you, motivated and successful. Being a flexible sort of guy, he finds it easy to fit in with your expectations. As well, you are very convincing. He responds positively when you point out why he should do what you want.

Fitting in with your expectations doesn’t mean he has set out to deceive you. All he wants to do is please you. And he does, for a while.

Over time, however, his true nature starts to come out. He is not as motivated as you. Probably, he is not as competent as you either. He starts out doing what you advise but he never does it as well as you do. You help him. You offer suggestions. When he still can’t do it properly, you complain. He is discouraged. He stops trying and leaves it up to you.

The dynamic is established. You want him to do something. He makes a half-hearted effort. You get annoyed. He becomes resentful. He does less and you end up doing more. The cycle is repeated until one of you decides that the relationship is no longer working.

It is easy to blame the other for the ending of the relationship but the truth is neither is to blame. The dynamic and eventual disintegration of the relationship is a natural consequence of the personalities and attitudes of each of you.

To attract a different type of person, you need to change.

Learn to relax. Address your underlying fear of not achieving your career goals. Allow others to be responsible. Deep breathe as you watch them do things their way rather than your way. Discover what it is like to feel vulnerable and out of your depth. If you have any problem doing this yourself, seek help from a psychologist or counsellor who knows how to help you fundamentally change what needs to change.

Embrace these hidden aspects of yourself and you will be a different person. Then you will have a better chance of attracting someone who is more in balance like the new you.

Struggling in your relationships? North Brisbane Psychologists can help. Book an appointment today!