I left my husband for a man I later discovered is dishonest and abusive. I now realise I really love my husband who is caring and dependable. My husband says he might want me back eventually but is too hurt to trust me right now. I am devastated. I just want this awful episode to go away. How do I convince my husband to take me back?
How can your husband trust you? You don’t know from one minute to the next what you really want. Would you want to put him through all that hurt again?
He is sensible enough to know that you have a lot of growing up to do before he can trust any commitment you make.
Trust comes from consistent, dependable behaviour. It means being together enough to know that any promise you make, you can keep.
Think of that word “together.” We use phrases like “he is really together” or “she is falling apart” to describe people in different emotional states. The former means the person is confident, consistent, dependable and knows what she is doing. The latter means the person is emotionally unstable and inconsistent in her decisions.
These terms reveal an inner truth. All of us are made up of various aspects. For example, at one point in time, we can be playful and jolly. At another time, we can be serious and withdrawn. There are dozens of these aspects that make up the whole person.
When we are “together,” these aspects are in harmony. That means we are aware of the different parts of our nature and we work with them. In effect, we are in control of ourselves. When we are “falling apart,” we are not in control. The different aspects are not co-ordinated. In fact, they are in conflict and can take over depending on the circumstances encountered.
You are not “together.” One part of you wanted the marriage. Another part wanted the the excitement of the affair. The affair didn’t work out, so now the part of you that wants to be settled and secure is back in control. Until these parts are integrated, you cannot be sure about your feelings for your husband.
This seesawing from one extreme to the other is part of an inner restlessness. The right man cannot settle you. You have to stop acting on your whims and take responsibility for your actions.
You want to forget this embarrassing affair. But that is an even bigger mistake than embarking on it in the first place. This “awful episode” happened for a reason. It’s your opportunity to discover and resolve these conflicting aspects of yourself.
Stop and do some serious soul searching. Resolve to be completely honest with yourself. How were you feeling before you embarked on the affair? How did you feel during the affair? How did you feel when it didn’t work out? Explore each feeling and, as you do, ask yourself some further questions. What does this feel like in my body? When have I felt like this before? What need was this filling?
Allow yourself to fully process these emotions. Then explore the actions you took in response to your emotions. If you find you are struggling through this exercise, seek help from a professional who offers psychological services.
You need to understand the reasons why you embarked on this affair and why you want to return to your husband. Only when you feel at peace with yourself can you begin to trust your decisions.