By Dr Rachel Hannam
Are you “insecure” sometimes? Many of us are. Anxious attachment, also called anxious-preoccupied attachment, stems from childhood experiences where, in some way, we faced inconsistency or unpredictability in our caregiving, leaving us feeling insecure in adult relationships; sometimes even clingy. As adults, those of us with anxious attachment styles can struggle with fears of abandonment, rejection, or unworthiness.
Most authors who write about managing these attachment patterns describe how to form more secure attachments with others over time. But I think integration also begins with understanding that we can apply principles of secure attachment to ourselves. This article will outline how Dr Amir Levine’s CARRP model applies to our connection with ourselves.
CARRP stands for Consistency, Availability, Reliability, Responsiveness, and Predictability. We normally seek those qualities in our closest relationships, and they are important for sure. But how can we provide for ourselves the consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability we may not have received in the past?
These five principles, directed inwardly, can help create a secure base and promote a sense of emotional security from the inside out.
1. Consistency: Build Routines for Emotional Well-being
People with anxious attachment often feel a sense of insecurity because of the unpredictability of emotional responses from others. Creating consistent routines in your life helps provide a sense of stability and safety.
- Daily Self-Care Rituals: Commit to regular self-care practices, such as exercising, journaling, meditating, or having a set bedtime. The structure helps train your mind and body to expect stability, reducing feelings of anxiety.
- Consistent Affirmations: Practice daily affirmations that reassure you of your worth and stability. Repeating positive affirmations can build a secure internal foundation and counteract negative thoughts. Affirmations should be short and simple, such as:
- I am okay, right here and now
- I am worthy of love and acceptance
- I am one person and I am doing my best
- I am allowed to be human and I forgive myself
By establishing these inner and outer routines, you signal to yourself that you are worthy of consistency and care, regardless of external circumstances.
2. Availability: Be Present for Yourself in Times of Need
Anxious attachment often manifests in a fear of abandonment or being alone when in distress. Psychological integration requires learning to be fully available to yourself, especially when feelings of insecurity arise.
- Self-Soothing Practices: When you feel triggered or anxious, become your own source of comfort. Practice deep breathing, sit with and feel your feelings, offer yourself compassionate words, or wrap yourself in a cozy blanket. The more you provide yourself with comfort, the less reliant you’ll be on others to meet your emotional needs.
- Check-in with Yourself: Regularly ask yourself how you’re feeling throughout the day. Are you stressed? Anxious? Tired? Lonely? This simple act of being present with your emotions builds a connection with yourself and reinforces your availability in times of distress.
Making yourself a priority and ensuring you are emotionally available to yourself can help you feel more grounded and secure.
3. Reliability: Be Your Own Source of Stability
For those with anxious-preoccupied attachment, emotional highs and lows can make life feel like a rollercoaster. Cultivating reliability within yourself helps you build a sense of trust and stability, which is key in overcoming anxiously attached tendencies.
- Set Boundaries and Keep Promises: Start by setting small, realistic promises to yourself that you can reliably keep. Whether it’s finishing a task, taking time for self-care, or not allowing negative self-talk, keeping these commitments to yourself strengthens your inner trust and confidence.
- Accountability: If you’ve made commitments (like going to therapy or completing a personal project), hold yourself accountable. Consistency in keeping your word to yourself creates a foundation of reliability that helps soothe your anxious tendencies.
As you show up for yourself time and time again, you’ll begin to trust that you can rely on yourself to meet your own emotional needs.
4. Responsiveness: Acknowledge and Respond to Your Own Needs
People with anxious attachment often crave responsiveness from others — someone to quickly reply to their text message or in some way meet their emotional needs… NOW. To become more secure, it can help to be responsive to your own feelings and needs, showing up for yourself whenever you feel vulnerable.
- Tune into Your Emotions: When you experience emotional upheaval, practice tuning into what you’re feeling in your body and mind without judgment. Are you feeling anxious, sad, lonely, or fearful? Acknowledge your emotions, name them, and respond to them by giving yourself the care and attention you need.
- Write to Express: You can journal about a specific situation using the Head-Heart-Hands technique. Write at the top of the page a specific situation that is triggering you, then express all your thoughts about it (Head), followed by your specific feelings about it (Heart), followed by what you would like to do about it (Hands). The ‘doing’ might simply be looking after yourself in ways described in this article. By using the Head-Heart-Hands formula, you are being responsive to your own experiences and treating them as legitmate and important.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself when you’re feeling anxious or insecure. Remind yourself that it’s truly okay to have these feelings, and gently comfort yourself rather than criticise or judge yourself.
By being responsive to your own emotional states, you create an internal environment where your needs are honored, reducing feelings of anxiety and building self-trust.
5. Predictability: Emotional Stability through Safe Expectations
Predictability is one of the most powerful tools for managing anxious attachment. If you’ve experienced emotional unpredictability in relationships, you can offer yourself the gift of stable, predictable self-care.
- Create Predictable Self-Care Habits: Set aside time each day for activities that make you feel good—whether that’s reading, taking a walk, or relaxing with a cup of tea. Make these activities a predictable part of your day so that you can rely on them to provide yourself comfort and calm.
- Develop Internal Stability: Build your inner emotional stability by recognising your triggers AND your coping mechanisms. Knowing what helps you manage emotions – such as journalling using the Head-Heart-Hands technique mentioned above, mindfulness, stretching, music, or talking to a supportive friend – makes it easier to handle moments of emotional turmoil without getting overwhelmed. Make a list and stick it to the wall if that helps you remember.
The more you can create a predictable environment for yourself, the less anxiety you’ll feel in relationships, and the more you’ll develop secure emotional patterns within yourself.
Transforming an anxious attachment style takes time and effort, like learning a new language. But by practicing consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability toward yourself, you can create a secure foundation from within. When you become your own source of emotional support, trust, and stability, you’ll feel more grounded and confident in your relationships with others, and in your relationship with yourself.