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Aspley and Stafford Heights

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He promised to call but he didn’t

promised to call
Fear of intimacy can be overwhelming and some people can be so afraid they don’t follow through on their promises and call.

Over the last two years, I’ve been dating different guys. None of them felt right. Then I met the one who did. There was a real spark between us and I never doubted for a minute that he wouldn’t call when he said he would. He wasn’t one of those smooth operators, in fact, he was a little shy. Well, he hasn’t called and I can’t make sense of it.

It does make sense. But you need to think differently. You are making a few assumptions. You were sure he would call because you were so compatible and got on so well together. You think that when a relationship fires like this, the couple would want to meet again.

That isn’t always true. Some people are scared almost to death when things go as well as they did with you and this guy.

Yes, he did enjoy your company. He did have a good time on the night. And he had every intention of calling you when he made that promise. But he liked you too much. When he got home and woke up in the harsh morning light, he felt scared. He could imagine really falling for you and that is what scared him. He knew that if he called, the two of you would go out together and he would find it difficult not to get involved.

And what is wrong with that? For you, nothing, but for him, plenty. He is not as resilient as you are. He has been deeply hurt, probably betrayed. He has not addressed this pain. Every time he feels it, he runs away. He doesn’t know how to grieve and let go of that hurt. In fact, he probably doesn’t realise that such healing is necessary or even possible.

The poor chap is between a rock and a hard place. After a while, feelings of loneliness build up in him because he doesn’t really want to be alone. He then goes out looking for company. Most of the time, he finds it with someone who is not quite on the same wavelength. Probably she is pleasant but not someone he could see himself with permanently. He goes out with this woman for a while, doesn’t feel so alone, and then, realising she cannot really satisfy his deeper needs, gives her up.

After each relationship ends, he senses the futility of it all and gives the dating game a miss, until the loneliness eventually gets to him again.

When he met you, you weren’t the safe woman he could use to ease his loneliness for a while. He sensed there was more between the two of you and he felt tremendously threatened. He thinks the only way to avoid the deep hurt of rejection and betrayal is to avoid getting involved.

Unfortunately, you can do nothing for him. He has to find the courage to overcome his fears and pursue a meaningful relationship. He hasn’t had enough loneliness or dead-end relationships yet. When he gets to the point where his fear of being alone is greater than his fear of being hurt, he will take the risk of getting involved with someone who relates to him like you did.

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