Defensiveness, defined as any attempt to defend oneself from perceived attack, is the third of Dr. Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Many people, especially those in long-term relationships, get defensive OFTEN. And as fun as righteous indignation, playing the victim, and whining can be, they don’t work.
Getting defensive is a very natural human reaction. No one likes feeling under attack from judgement, criticism or blame. However, defensiveness gives rise to more defensiveness and can turn into contempt and resentment. We need to find a way out. The key lies in our response-ability. Find your ability to respond rather than REACT.
The antidote to defensiveness is always accepting responsibility for your role in the issue. We can only do this when we get calm. Watch this short video I made to find out more.